PLAYING SMALL – who you are and who you are meant to become are not served by shrinking down to the size your partner is comfortable with.

Being known and seen in all your vulnerability – the flawed and flawless totality of who you are, is at the core of our humanity. Unconditional love creates a sanctuary from the expectations of those who would have you play small in order to make themselves feel better.

Unconditional love begins with the self, and it is perhaps the most difficult love of all. The moment you believe you are not good enough, (or smart, pretty, lovable, powerful enough) you are conditioning yourself to accept less from others. You think you ought to be grateful that anyone noticed you at all, let alone gave you the scraps from their table instead of inviting you to the feast. Fear kicks in and curls its ugly little fingers around your heart, burrowing itself deep into the essence of who you are. Every flaw, every failure, every mistake you have ever made becomes magnified, until you are reduced to a shadow under the weight of its shouting. You are frightened of being seen, frightened of being misunderstood, frightened of catching your own reflection in the eyes of the other who turns their back and walks away.

Unconditional love is a challenge, because emotional scarcity is a powerful driver of fear. We fear being alone, or being left behind. We are afraid to give ourselves over fully to love in case it doesn’t last and we are dissembled by the grieving. We look for ways to cling, and grasp -holding on so tightly to the object of our love, that the act of loving ceases to be love at all, and becomes instead a soap opera of games and manipulations. Fear drives love away love, turning us into desperate people, a fragmented version of who we might have been.

When you are seen through the eyes of someone who loves you unconditionally, you are transformed by the power of being enough. Shame is diminished and the deep, soul-satisfying intimacy that is only possible when you allow yourself to be vulnerable, takes its place. Your less than admirable behavior may be challenged, and you may be held to account, because love will always seek your highest good. Only someone who is afraid of losing your love will seek to diminish the potential of who you might be by holding up a broken mirror that only catches you in the darkness and never in the light.